Silent Treatments, Yelling, or Withdrawal – Why We React the Way We Do

Have you ever gone completely quiet during an argument? Or maybe you yelled without meaning to, or just walked away and shut down?

These kinds of reactions—silent treatments, yelling, or pulling away—aren’t just random. They usually happen for a reason. They are our brain’s way of trying to protect us when we feel hurt, unsafe, or overwhelmed.

Let’s talk about why we react this way, and how we can start to respond in healthier ways.

What’s Really Going On?

When we feel threatened—emotionally or physically—our brain goes into what experts call “survival mode.” That means we’re not thinking clearly. Instead, our body gets ready to fight, run away, or freeze.

• Yelling is often a “fight” response. It can happen when we feel ignored, disrespected, or out of control.

• Silent treatment or shutting down is more like a “freeze” or “flight” response. It's our way of protecting ourselves from feeling too much.

  
  

These habits often come from what we learned growing up. If we weren’t taught how to talk about feelings or if it wasn’t safe to do so, we might have developed these reactions to cope.

How Childhood Shapes Our Reactions

Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we deal with conflict as adults. This is called attachment style.

• People who fear being abandoned may yell, beg, or argue because they’re scared of losing connection.

• Others may pull away, go silent, or avoid hard conversations because that feels safer.

  
  

Neither is “wrong.” These are just patterns we learned to protect ourselves.

Why This Matters

Reacting with yelling, silence, or withdrawal can damage our relationships. It can cause confusion, hurt feelings, or leave others feeling unloved.

As psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, sometimes we react to current problems using pain from the past. That’s why these moments feel so intense.

How to Start Changing

We can’t always control our first reaction—but we can learn to respond differently. Here's how:

1. Notice Your Pattern

Ask yourself: What do I usually do when I feel upset or threatened? Yell? Go quiet? Walk away?

2. Take a Pause

If you feel overwhelmed, try to slow things down. Take a few deep breaths or say, “I need a minute to think before we talk.”

3. Speak Honestly—but Calmly

Instead of yelling or shutting down, try saying: “I’m feeling hurt and I need a moment before we keep talking.”

4. Get Help if You Need It

A counselor or therapist can help you understand your patterns and teach better ways to deal with conflict.

You're Not Alone

These reactions are common. Many people struggle with them. But the more we understand ourselves, the more we can grow.

The next time you find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving the silent treatment—pause and ask: What am I really feeling? That question can be the first step toward change.

If this message speaks to you, please share it. Someone else might be dealing with the same thing—and your share might help them feel seen and understood.

Reference

• Dr. Lisa Firestone, Psychology Today (2021) – How our brain reacts to emotional threats.

• Dr. Sue Johnson (2019) – Attachment styles and relationship habits.

• Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (2014), The Body Keeps the Score – How trauma impacts our reactions.

• Dr. Daniel Siegel (2020), The Power of Showing Up – How early relationships shape us.