Understanding Our Emotional Reactions

What’s Really Going On?

When we feel threatened—emotionally or physically—our brain goes into what experts call “survival mode.” This means we’re not thinking clearly. Instead, our body gets ready to fight, run away, or freeze.

• Yelling is often a “fight” response. It can happen when we feel ignored, disrespected, or out of control.

• Silent treatment or shutting down is more like a “freeze” or “flight” response. It's our way of protecting ourselves from feeling too much.

  
  

These habits often come from what we learned growing up. If we weren’t taught how to talk about feelings or if it wasn’t safe to do so, we might have developed these reactions to cope.

How Childhood Shapes Our Reactions

Our early experiences with caregivers shape how we deal with conflict as adults. This is called attachment style.

• People who fear being abandoned may yell, beg, or argue because they’re scared of losing connection.

• Others may pull away, go silent, or avoid hard conversations because that feels safer.

  
  

Neither is “wrong.” These are just patterns we learned to protect ourselves.

Why This Matters

Reacting with yelling, silence, or withdrawal can damage our relationships. It can confuse, hurt feelings, or leave others feeling unloved.

As psychiatrist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk says, sometimes we react to current problems using pain from the past. That’s why these moments feel so intense.

How to Start Changing

We can’t always control our first reaction, but we can learn to respond differently. Here's how:

1. Notice Your Pattern

Ask yourself: What do I usually do when I feel upset or threatened? Yell? Go quiet? Walk away?

2. Take a Pause

If you feel overwhelmed, try to slow things down. Take a few deep breaths or say, “I need a minute to think before we talk.”

3. Speak Honestly—but Calmly

Instead of yelling or shutting down, try saying: “I’m feeling hurt, and I need a moment before we keep talking.”

4. Get Help if You Need It

A counselor or therapist can help you understand your patterns and teach you better ways to deal with conflict.

You're Not Alone

These reactions are common. Many people struggle with them. But the more we understand ourselves, the more we can grow.

The next time you find yourself yelling, shutting down, or giving the silent treatment, pause and ask: What am I feeling? That question can be the first step toward change.

If this message speaks to you, please share it. Someone else might be dealing with the same thing, and your share might help them feel seen and understood.

The Path to Healthier Communication

Understanding Emotional Triggers

Recognizing what triggers your emotional responses is crucial. Triggers can be specific words, actions, or situations that evoke strong feelings. By identifying these triggers, you can prepare yourself to respond more thoughtfully.

Practicing Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques can help you stay grounded during conflicts. Practicing mindfulness allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This can create space for healthier responses.

Building Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence involves understanding your emotions and those of others. By improving your emotional intelligence, you can navigate conflicts more effectively. This skill led to deeper connections and improved relationships.

Seeking Support from Others

Engaging with friends or support groups can provide valuable insights. Sharing your experiences with others can help you feel less isolated. It can also offer new perspectives on handling conflicts.

The Importance of Self-Reflection

Taking time for self-reflection can enhance your understanding of your reactions. Journaling about your feelings and responses can reveal patterns. This practice can guide you toward healthier communication strategies.

Conclusion: Embracing Change

Change takes time and effort, but it is possible. By understanding your reactions and working towards healthier responses, you can improve your relationships. Remember, you are not alone in this journey. Embrace the process and be kind to yourself.

Reference

• Dr. Lisa Firestone, Psychology Today (2021) – How our brain reacts to emotional threats.

• Dr. Sue Johnson (2019) – Attachment styles and relationship habits.

• Dr. Bessel van der Kolk (2014), The Body Keeps the Score – How trauma impacts our reactions.

• Dr. Daniel Siegel (2020), The Power of Showing Up – How early relationships shape us.